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Opinion

45 ridiculous things global warming will supposedly cause

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Beltway Confidential,Opinion,Climate Change,Ashe Schow,Minusextra,Global Warming

Whether you believe global warming is caused primarily by humans and will bring about Gaia’s destruction or not, you can’t help but laugh at some of the more absurd things alarmists have claimed the phenomenon will cause.

There have been some doozies lately, so a roundup is overdue.

1. Acne

2. AIDS

3. Poppy/opium genocide

4. Elder death

5. The end of Africa

6. Hostile weed takeovers

7. Airplane crashes

8. More al Qaeda/Taliban

9. Allergies

10. Alligator migration and sex-ratio disruption

(Yes, I realize that is a crocodile)

11. Anxiety (about everything else on this list)

12. No more smelling the roses

13. Asteroid strikes

14. Jellyfish attacks

15. Fortress world where rich lock out the poor

16. Worse beer

17. Brain shrinkage

18. Brothel shortages

19. Return of the black plague

20. Cannibalism

21. Cataracts

22. Cat love

23. Reduction in circumcisions

24. Cougar attacks

(Not that kind)

25. Only rich people will be thin and healthy

(According to Tyra Banks)

26. Gingerbread house apocalypse

27. End of golf (at least the Masters)

28. Home runs

29. No more outdoor ice hockey

(Relax, indoor hockey is safe)

30. No more pasta

31. Maple syrup shortages

32. Pirates

33. Rapes

34. Redhead extinction

35. Sea snot

(This, but like, from the ocean)

36. Sexual dysfunction

37. Pug and other short-nosed animals' extinction

38. Weird new shrimp sex patterns

39. Giant spiders

40. Murders

41. Fewer truffles

(Chunk and truffle-sniffing pigs hardest hit)

42. UFO sightings

43. Noisier oceans

44. Violin extinction

45. Drop in GDP

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Author:

Ashe Schow

Commentary Writer
The Washington Examiner

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