I want to be a Florida Gulf Coast University Eagle.
I want to ride along with Cinderella to the ball.
I want a cabana by the beach to stack my beer can collection and listen to my Humble Pie records.
The 15th-seeded FGCU Eagles have become the story of the NCAA tournament, the David among Goliaths -- slaying Georgetown and San Diego State on their way to the Sweet 16. And they are a David with style, putting on an entertaining show with dunks and duck walks.
These Florida pop-up schools show up every few years like a new convenience store.
FGCU didn't even start holding classes until 15 years ago. And now it could be the hottest school on the market for kids who recognize a good time when they see it. Or do you think they are splitting the atom in those beachfront dormitories?
You watch them play and you read about the school and you see the pictures, and you say, "Damn, I wish I was 18 and filling out college applications again" -- because FGCU has Thom Loverro written all over it.
So I'm filling out an application:
Name » Tommy Purify (I had a somewhat checkered past in college in Florida many years ago, so it may be best to change my name. And I've always wanted to be Tommy Purify, the lost Purify brother. See James and Bobby Purify, "I'm Your Puppet," 1966).
Payment information » My account is in the First National Bank of Cyprus.
Academic information » It's a "Where's Waldo" kind of situation. How about you pick a school and I'll tell you whether I spent any time there? You can confine your search to the East Coast.
Proposed major » Any curriculum the coach's wife is teaching.
Personal essay » Express yourself!
You don't ever need help from nobody else.
All you got to do now:
Whatever you do, uh, do it good, uh
Whatever you do, do, do, Lord, Lord, do it good
All right ...
It's not what you look like
When you're doin' what you're doin'.
It's what you're doin' when you're doin'
What you look like you're doin'!
They're doin' it on the moon, yeah, uh,
In the jungle, too, uh.
Everybody on the floor, now, uh,
Jumpin' like a kangaroo.
So let the horns do the thing they do, yo ...
Ah, uh, ow! Uh-uh uh uh
Additional information » I know you will be swamped with applications and choices may be difficult. But I believe I have a lot to offer FGCU -- reading, writing, spelling, all the qualities that likely will be missing from many of the other applicants.
One note »
I am also being recruited by Florida Beer Pong Academy, soon to be opened at a beach near you. So you better move quickly.