I'll take three of those 16-ounce non-diet sodas, and make 'em the really sugary ones, please.
You can bet that's what soft-drink lovers might be saying in New York City soon, if that town's mayor gets his way.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to ban the sale of sodas larger than 16 ounces from restaurants and food carts. It's his contribution to the fight against the "obesity epidemic," you see.
To bolster his point, Bloomberg took to Twitter, perhaps reminding us that the social media's name contains the word "twit" for a reason.
"More than half of NYC adults (58%) are overweight or obese," Bloomberg tweeted, according to a news story at CNN.com. "We're doing something about it."
Here's another Bloomberg gem, taken from the same story: "This is something we think we have the legal authority to do. We're not taking away anybody's right to do something; we're simply making it different for them in how they do it."
I'll try a loose translation here: New York City's chief executive is saying, in essence, that he's butting into the personal business of New Yorkers because he feels like it, and because he can. The key word in his tweet was "adults." As in, grown folks. As in, old enough to decide things for themselves.
Bloomberg will have none of this grown-folks-minding-their-own-business-and-making-their-own-decisions stuff. In addition to his tweet and quote, his office has put out statements on the matter.
"If approved, the city's proposal six months after the Board of Health and would be enforced by the city's regular restaurant inspection team. Restaurant owners will have nine months from the adoption of the proposal until they face fines."
Now let me see if I get this straight: The mayor of New York City really wants restaurant inspection teams staking out restaurants to see if anybody walks in to buy a soft drink larger than 16 ounces?
What will they do to the souls described above, who will simply walk in and order more than one 16-ounce drink? Shoot 'em? My guess is probably nothing. New York's fatties will find a way around the ban. And here's something I'm betting Bloomberg hasn't considered.
It's not just overweight or obese people who might like soft drinks in those 48-ounce containers. But in Bloombergland, they won't be able to buy them, even though they're neither overweight nor obese. Way to punish the innocent, Bloomberg.
If Bloomberg were really serious about putting a dent in obesity, he wouldn't ban oversized soft drinks. He'd ban drive-throughs at fast-food restaurants.
For years, rather than parking their cars and walking their fat rear ends into fast-food restaurants, some people have been using the drive-through window. If they really want the fast food badly enough, they can park their cars and walk their fat butts into the restaurant, can't they, Mike? My guess is that most folks that use the drive-through lanes are so lazy that they'll pass on the fast food if they don't have a drive-through option. Bloomberg could simply urge fast-food restaurants to have a "Get Your Fat Butt Out of Your Car and WALK Into the Restaurant" day.
For his persistence in butting into the private affairs of citizens, and his defense of police making suspicionless -- and illegal -- Terry stops in his town, Bloomberg gets my official Enemy of Liberty Award. This award is definitely not a compliment. But what do you want to bet Bloomberg takes it as one?
Examiner Columnist Gregory Kane is a Pulitzer-nominated news and opinion journalist who has covered people and politics from Baltimore to the Sudan.