GM says no problem for new drone in meeting emissions, fuel standards

Scott Ott
News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher
General Motors, part of the automaking division of the U.S. government, today announced it would have no problem meeting or surpassing the Obama administration's stricter emissions and mileage standards, thanks to a new gas-stingy model for 2010 called the GM Drone UTV.

The new rules, designed to bring the United States into compliance with planet-friendly standards in neighboring California, will make American cars 30 percent cleaner, more fuel efficient and less ubiquitous by the year 2016.

An unnamed General Motors spokesman said the greenhouse-gas curbing regulations come just as GM ramps up production of the Drone -- a stylish, no-passenger, hatchback, maneuvered by remote-control from the owner's living room using a simple computer keyboard and mouse. (UTV stands for Unmanned Terrestrial Vehicle.)

"The problem with making fuel-efficient, eco-friendly cars has been what we in the industry call 'the human factor'," said the GM source. "People are soft, generally obese, and fussy about their own comfort. But if you remove humans from the vehicle, then you don't need all that heavy material to support, protect, coddle and carry them. As a result, we can make a driverless drone that weighs about 112 pounds, gets more than 100 miles to the gallon, and emits exhaust that smells like rose petals."

The company says the GM Drone is great for those quick trips to the McDonald's drive-through, or to any business that will put products in your car for you. The remote-open hatchback offers enough cargo space for a large pizza, and a 2-liter bottle of soda.

A promotional video, screened for investors in Congress, says, "What better way to see America than from the air-conditioned comfort of your couch at home, as the advanced GPS navigation unit takes your little Drone from coast to coast hands-free, all the while beaming back live video to your delighted family."

"Thanks to the internet," the narrator adds, "there's virtually no reason to leave home anyway." 
Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor in chief of, the family-friendly news satire site, and anchor of ScrappleFace Network News (SNN), seen on YouTube.

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