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Meanwhile, in Florida: Gator Chomp, Hippy Chomp, Ice Cream WHOMP

OneMinuteNews.com
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July 30, 2012 AT 11:02 AM
IT'S A REMARKABLE JULY MORNING, AND ALL ACROSS AMERICA, PEOPLE ARE OUT PREPPING THE GRILL FOR A DAY SPENT SOAKING IN ALL THE SCENTS AND COLORS OF A CARE-FREE SUMMER. MEANWHILE, IN FLORIDA. YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS PERFECT, BECAUSE WE NEED A HERO TO GO AFTER ASPIRING SUPERVILLIAN, JEREMIAH HOUGHEE. THE 22 YEAR OLD MEGA-BEAST WAS SHACKLED AFTER LEAPING OFF A NEIGHBOR'S ROOF, LANDING ON THE HOOD OF THEIR TRUCK, BREAKING INTO THEIR HOME WHERE HE URINATED ON THE CARPET, SHORTLY BEFORE TAKING A SIZABLE BITE OUT OF THEIR STOMACH. TURNS OUT, HE WAS DOSED WITH ENOUGH KETAMINE TO STOP A 17 FOOT ALLIGATOR FROM GNAWING YOUR ARM OFF. TAKE NOTE--KALEB LANGDALE. KALEB WAS ACCOSTED BY A HUNGRY REPTILE WHILE SWIMMING IN THE CALOOSAHATCHEE RIVER, AND ENDED UP LOSING MOST OF HIS RIGHT ARM IN THE STRUGGLE. HE'S LAYED UP IN THE HOSPITAL, BUT SHOULD COME OUT OF IT JUST FINE--JUST AS LONG AS NO ONE LETS DAWN BARRAN DELIVER ANY ICE CREAM. MRS. BARREN CAUGHT HER CHEATIN' HUBBY SHOPPING AT WALGREENS WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND, SO SHE RAN UP AND DINGED HIM WITH A PINT OF ROCKY ROAD. AS I ALWAYS SAY--ASSULT GOES BETTER WITH A SPOONFULL A-SUGAR.