President Obama submitted himself to US Weekly for a "Five Things You Don't Know About Me" feature -- and he whiffed.

A look at these things we "don't know" reveals that we do, in fact, know all of these things. The president and first lady's first kiss was outside a Chicago Baskin-Robbins, he tells the magazine -- a story that's been widely reported and was repeated by the president on "The View" in September.

"I was once bear-hugged by a Republican pizza shop owner in Florida," Obama says of a campaign incident that was photographed and reported by nearly every news outlet in America.

" 'Homeland' is my favorite TV show." Already reported by TV Guide.

"I voted early in Chicago." CNN aired a live feed of this as it was happening. (Also: boring.)

Nice try, Obama, but we bet you could do better than this.