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President Obama today announced his plan to add "choice and competition" to the World Series of Major League Baseball by adding a 'public team' to the traditional end-of-season championship duel.
The president said the public option was needed because the American League champion New York Yankees and National League victors, the Philadelphia Phillies, were "motivated by greed to put their own interests ahead of the interests of the American people."
"Without a public option," said Obama, "you would just see two teams trying to run up the score, without any consideration of the price a ticket to the ballpark, which is out-of-reach for so many Americans."
According to White House officials, the public option team will step in and replace any team that begins to lead its rival by more than two runs during any particular game in the series.
If a previously losing team should begin to run up the score on the public team, then it, too, shall be replaced by players on the public squad so fans can enjoy "reliable, accessible baseball."
"The problem with baseball," Obama said, "is the irrational exuberance spawned by the inherent instability. My plan removes the element of uncertainty, thus reducing the cost of a ticket to the ballpark to a price anyone could afford."
Players on the public team must meet a stringent set of regulations, outlined in a 2,700-page codebook, that ensures the public will get the highest quality of baseball available within the limited resources of the federal government.
If ticket sales should drop off, Obama said, it would trigger a "mandatory attendance provision" which would impose fines on local employers who fail to buy tickets for their employees.
Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the world's leading family-friendly news satire source.