A judge may have declared Lindsay Lohan's lawyer "incompetent" on Friday, but don't worry. Lindsay has a guardian who's more competent than any lawyer in the land: Charlie Sheen.
Charlie, who stars on the sitcom "Anger Management" after being ousted from "Two and a Half Men," is casting himself as Lindsay's savior.
"I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not," the 47-year-old tells TMZ. "She can continue to hang out with her dress-shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who's been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey."
La Linds, whose side trails include being in and out of court on pretty much every charge listed in the U.S. Code, needs two and a half mentors, if you ask us. But Charlie says he'll do. "If she listens, she'll win. If she doesn't, that's on her," he says. As we know, if there's one thing Charlie cares about, it's winning.
Charlie and LiLo met while sharing a bed in a scene for "Scary Movie 5," you may recall. But the actor, who cut Lindsay a $100,000 check to help her with tax problems, insists that any back-scratching between them isn't literal.
"I love her, I respect her, and I've never laid a finger on her that wasn't on film," he says. "How ya like me now, America?"
Heidi's got a new job
Speaking of America, "America's Got Talent" is adding Heidi Klum to its judges panel, cementing the show as the No. 1 place for foreigners to diss America. Eat your heart out, United Nations.
The German supermodel joins shock jock Howard Stern, alleged comedian Howie Mandel and newcomer Melanie Brown, aka Mel B, aka Scary Spice from the Spice Girls, on the judges panel, which in the past has featured such biting Brits as Sharon Osbourne and Piers Morgan, along with David Hasselhoff, who's practically German.
Heidi, famous for her cold "auf wiedersehen" to eliminated contestants on "Project Runway," is replacing Sharon, who quit at the end of last season to judge "Australia's Got Talent," in addition to her duties co-hosting the "View" ripoff "The Talk" and helping Ozzy find the remote.
Heaven knows he's miserable now
British rocker Morrissey, fresh off feuds with everyone from Paul McCartney to Jimmy Kimmel to, we kid you not, the cast of "Duck Dynasty," has turned his wrath to the Queen B of 2013, Beyonce.
Before launching into "Meat Is Murder," the former Smiths frontman told the crowd that Beyonce's choice of handbags is hastening the extinction of the rhino, according to the Hollywood Reporter.
It's par for the course for Moz, who recently boycotted Jimmy's show for having the long-bearded hunters of reality show "Duck Dynasty" as guests. Soon after, Morrissey said the famously vegetarian ex-Beatle should "return his knighthood" over Queen Elizabeth II's wearing of fur.
Morrissey, who performed at the Staples Center on the condition it shut down its McDonald's for his performance -- a request the arena did not go along with when Sir Paul asked -- was inexplicably introduced to the crowd by Patrick Dempsey, "McDreamy" on "Grey's Anatomy." But that didn't seem to improve the morose singer's mood. "I have found the best way to avoid ending your life as a bitter wreck is to start out as one," he told the crowd. That's a Morrissey song title if we ever heard one.
Singer-actress Jamie Lynn Spears, 21, has gotten engaged to boyfriend of three years Jamie Watson, 30.
Jimmy Fallon will take over "The Tonight Show" from Jay Leno next year, sources tell the Hollywood Reporter.
Holding his 4-year-old, Seraphina, Ben Affleck told the paparazzi, "You need to be this far away," and swung his leg to demonstrate.
Don Pardo, 95, the voice of "Saturday Night Live" since it premiered in 1975, missed Saturday's show after breaking his hip.
Anne Hathaway switched her Oscars dress after "throwing a fit" over Amanda Seyfried's similar frock, Us reports.
"My heart is breaking. Bonnie has always been one of the most important women in my life and was a second mother to me."
- Valerie Bertinelli, on the death of Bonnie Franklin. Bonnie played on-screen Mom to Valerie and Mackenzie Phillips on the '70s and '80s sitcom "One Day at a Time," and guest-starred on Valerie's hit sitcom "Hot in Cleveland" in 2011. Bonnie died Friday of pancreatic cancer.
Happy birthday for March 4:
Actress Andrea Bowen ("Desperate Housewives") is 23.
Actress Margo Harshman ("The Big Bang Theory") is 27.
Country singer Jason Sellers is 42.
Drummer Fergal Lawler of the Cranberries is 42.
Actress Patsy Kensit is 45.
Singer Evan Dando of the Lemonheads is 46.
Drummer Patrick Hannan of the Sundays is 47.
Rapper Grand Puba of Brand Nubian is 47.
Actress Stacy Edwards is 48.
Bassist Jason Newsted of Metallica is 50.
Actor Steven Weber ("Wings") is 52.
Actress Patricia Heaton is 55.
Actor Mykelti Williamson ("Forrest Gump") is 56.
Actress Catherine O'Hara is 59.
Percussionist Emilio Estefan of the Miami Sound Machine is 60.
Actress Kay Lenz is 60.
Actor-singer Ronn Moss of Player ("The Bold and the Beautiful") is 61.
Singer Chris Rea is 62.
Singer Shakin' Stevens is 65.
Bassist Chris Squire of Yes is 65.
Singer Bobby Womack is 69.